Musings from Arledge: Goodbye (for now?) to USC - Notre Dame

The USC Trojan family has been fighting amongst itself over the Notre Dame situation. We’re split between Trojans who reasonably believe Notre Dame should just go to hell and Trojans who reasonably believe that Notre Dame should just go to hell but that we should beat them every year before they do.

So in the interests of unity, let’s just focus on the Irish for a second.

Some things need to be said because they’re true. Some things need to be said because they’re fun to say. And some things need to be said because they’re both.

It was October of 2005, and I sat in the end zone with my best friend as stunned and devastated Irish fans shuffled their way to the exists, some cussing on the way, others just dabbing their eyes. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen a fan base so shattered. It warmed my heart. 

There’s a quote attributed to Genghis Khan about the glories of victory over your enemies: 

“The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy, to drive him before you, to see his cities reduced to ashes, to see those who love him shrouded in tears, and to gather into your bosom his wives and daughters.” 

Now, it would be arrogant to pretend that I can improve on a quote from Genghis Khan about exulting in the devastation of your enemies; he had a lot more experience in the field and, if we’re being honest, less moral qualms about celebrating human suffering. But can I make one minor addition? All that stuff he said plus it’s even better if your enemies were convinced they had the victory just before their demise. You know, like the Irish did in 2005. They rushed the field, filled to the brim with joy and alcohol, only to be herded like cattle to the sidelines, where they watched Bush push Leinart in the back and drive a shiv into theirs.

It would have been great even without their people rushing the field with shrieks of joy. But the field rushing and joy shrieking made it even sweeter. The Khan should have added a bit about that to be more thorough. 

No, I didn’t take to my bosom any Notre Dame wives and daughters that night, for reasons both moral and aesthetic. I still think USC made a mistake moving the away games to the middle of October; far better to play them when it’s very cold and Notre Dame’s wives and daughters have no choice but to cover themselves with ski masks and parkas. It’s really just better for everybody.

Nor was South Bend, Indiana reduced to ashes that night. I considered it, but it seemed superfluous, the place being in bad enough shape as it is. South Bend is basically Blythe farther in the middle of nowhere and with lots of snow to boot. Gross. You can keep your crummy town.

Leave the town. Leave the wives and daughters. But the Khan wasn’t all wrong. The scattering and driving and tears were pretty great. I’m going to miss that.

But things change, they tell us. College football is changing. Our conference has changed. The playoff has changed. And we need to get with the times.

I ask, “Why?” The Irish don’t.

This is the program that throughout my four decades plus as a college football fanatic has never been willing to get with the times. They have a special deal for themselves and always have. They demand it. They think they deserve it. They’re unwilling to give it up.

What Notre Dame wants is special treatment, and they almost always get it, and they whine if they don’t get enough of it. That’s why it’s hilarious listening to Notre Dame fans talk about getting ripped off recently. They played three good teams all year, two of them at home, and only won one of them. That’s not a playoff resume.

Yes, they’re one of the twelve best teams. I think they’re one of the five or six best teams. But the playoff system means you have to earn a title on the field. The Irish jerry rigged the schedule so they could play an easy slate, and they failed two of their three tests. 

And left with Miami and Notre Dame, what, exactly, was the committee to do? Yes, I also think Notre Dame is the better team right now. So what? They have the same record, neither team played a murderer’s row during the regular season, and Miami won head-to-head.

Isn’t head-to-head the most obvious and most used tiebreaker in sport? Notre Dame apparently thinks the tie breaker should be whichever team won the most national titles in leather helmets or whichever team is in a place that nobody ever wants to visit. 

For all my life, Notre Dame gets overhyped as soon as they win a couple of games. Wake the echoes! Ty Willingham won five or six games to start his career and he was almost canonized. He was on every magazine, ever news show, I’m pretty sure he was a finalist for the Nobel prize in chemistry. And then he lost three games, including the first of 31-point beatdowns at the hands of Pete Carroll. Fun game, that one. And the next two for that matter.

But the Irish have been the recipients of this unjustified fawning so many times they actually believe it. It affects their reality the way coddling and enabling a troubled teenagers affects his view of the world. And like the broken teen, it affects Notre Dame’s behavior. They start to do stupid things. They hire a high school coach to lead their program. They give another coach a lifetime extension because he was 5-2 and lost a close game to USC. And they decide to go all in on the schedule rigging.

USC should play Notre Dame. I’ve made my position clear on that. But of the two programs, it’s Notre Dame that needs the game more. Look at their schedule without the Trojans. Seriously, go look at it. Google “second-rate schedule” and it will pop up in the first couple of entries.

Notre Dame got left out of the playoff because it played a weak schedule this year. So it’s solution is to play an even weaker schedule going forward and try to get a contract that it’s in the playoff no matter what if it’s in the top twelve. Why earn something when you get negotiate it from the clowns who run college football?

And you know what, I’m fine with it. All my life, Notre Dame was put into bowl games that it did not earn because of its name and pretty helmets. And it would generally get smacked around in those games against better teams. Notre Dame wants that to be the future of college football. The Irish play whoever can’t get out of the ACC, the service academies, and its new, big rival—BYU!—so it can “earn” playoff bids and have its untested team get its doors blown off in the first round. Cool. Sign me up. That sounds like a fun three hours. 

So you guys go ahead and schedule ten sure wins. Meanwhile, the other bluebloods all have to scrap with each other and the other serious powers of college football. Bluebloods Michigan, Ohio State, and USC get each other and Penn State and Oregon; bluebloods Texas, Alabama, and Oklahoma get each other and LSU, Florida, and Tennessee. 

Notre Dame’s idea of fairness is the equivalent of the current NFL scheduling procedures for everybody else—you get what you get—but the Dallas Cowboys get to pick their own schedule. They’ll play three teams from the NFC East—two at home, mostly after byes—and basically junior college teams otherwise. And if they lose two of those three games, they’ll still demand a pass to the Super Bowl. It’s not just entitlement; it’s delusion.

Let me help the Irish. Notre Dame has a proud history. It’s one of only seven bluebloods in the sport. But on that list of bluebloods, you guys are the only ones that haven’t won a national title this century. Or, I might add, the last decade of the previous century. Oklahoma, Texas, USC, Alabama, Michigan, and Ohio State have all won at least one. Not you. You haven’t won a title since 1988. I was a sophomore in high school at the time. Reagan was still in office. 

You guys belong in the big boys’ club; of course you do. But you’re not at the top of that club, and you haven’t been for a long time. Stop pretending you need to get treated better than everybody else.

And I blame you guys for Oregon. That’s right, I said it. Long before Oregon, you guys were the ones adopting the alternate jerseys that don’t even have your school colors. Casual college football fans might not know, but I know that green is not one of your official school colors. It’s hard to understand the omission frankly, being that green is so closely associated with Ireland and you guys are the Irish. But apparently all of you missed that connection when you were choosing your color scheme and only belatedly thought that green jerseys might be fun. And they are. I freakin’ loved your green jerseys in 2005. And even 2007, when you had 85 green jerseys and zero points. 

Wear ‘em against BYU. Give people some reason to watch a game that nobody in the world actually cares about.

And hurry up. Before another coach of yours runs from your green jerseys to even greener pastures. I can’t wait to see who you hire next. Notre Dame is about as good as USC when it comes to personnel decisions, so I think it’s 50/50 that your program will set itself on fire once Marcus Freeman leaves for the NFL. And don’t pretend any of that is unfair. I mean this is the program that gave an enormous contract and (briefly) some level of idol worship to a coach who literally would stand on the sidelines and allow snot to run from his nose to his mouth. I know it’s gross to speak of such things, but I saw it! It was horrific. You did that to yourselves and to me and to everybody else. Shame on you.

Look, I’m a little unhappy right now, my fellow Trojans. Because, yes, despite all the stuff I wrote up top, I still want to play them, and for one simple reason:  

Because there is nothing better than beating the Irish.  

It’s fantastic. It’s better than beating OSU, Michigan, or Oklahoma –and I’ve certainly enjoyed those wins over the years. It’s better than beating anybody. Seeing the Irish cry over a beating is beautiful. According to experts, the current list goes something like this:

1. A sunset in Hawaii

2. A pretty snow-covered village in the Swiss Alps

3. Notre Dame tears over a USC loss

4. Michelangelo’s Pieta. 

So, yes, what I expect is for USC to play Notre Dame and to beat them. I’m not much into excuses for why we can’t play them, and I’m certainly not into excuses for why we can’t beat them. 

But I’m a dinosaur, and I guess it’s all about the playoffs now. Fine. USC will have to earn their way to a berth, and ND can schedule and negotiate their way to one. Hopefully we’ll play in South Bend. I love beating you there. Walking through those empty fields on the way back to the bus, taking an hour or two to drive through that armpit of a town to get to the interstate so we can drive back to actual civilization. And grinning ear to ear the entire, exhausting time. 

Many times I’ve taken that journey. Five times I’ve taken on that journey and watched USC bully you and stuff you into lockers in your own building. And five times I’ve enjoyed myself immensely. I can’t wait for number six. Let’s hope it’s soon. Drop BYU and pick up another service academy if you need to. I hear the Mexican army has a fine futbol squad. That will only make it easier for you to get where I want you.

So goodbye for now. But hope to see you soon.